I'M AFRAID TO FAIL
One thing that I have learned is that people respect honesty. People respect you being real. So let's get real.
I'm afraid to fail. Not because I'm ashamed or I want to win but because of my daughters. Being a mom is something I truly have come to appreciate. They inspire me. They give me the ability to believe in the things I think I won't achieve. In my eyes, failing would mean that they won't be proud of me, that they will look at their mom and recognize my weaknesses.
I know, they don't care about that but it's hard letting them see me vulnerable. Since Harper was born, I have strived to be the best mom I can be. I've created this standard for myself that can sometimes be exhausting. I work just to make sure she doesn't have to want for anything. I sacrifice because I know that her and Zuri are incredibly talented and by giving them the best education and care, I'm providing for their future.
There was a time when I couldn't afford to take Harper out shopping or do the fun trips on the weekend. I was embarrassed, I cried a lot and I prayed that things would get better. When I had Zuri my anxiety increased because the thought of new financial responsibility seemed increasingly impossible. But I have gotten to a point where I recognize my needs and separate them from my wants. It hasn't been easy but over time, I am becoming better.
But still. The idea of failing lingers. I want them to see the best times. I want them to know that everyday we wake up we're blessed. And they do but sometimes I continue to get in my head until my mom, bless her heart, speaks the words I need to hear. She speaks the word of faith and hope. She eases my soul.
Failure shouldn't be about the material things. That's not what my girls are going to remember. I am allowed to make mistakes but learning from them is essential in doing better, in being better. Failure doesn't make me less human and it doesn't make me less of a mother. I give my all and that is what matters.
So that is my secret. Sorry it's not as juicy as you expected it to be but it's my truth and sometimes when you let your truth out, you give yourself the ability to breathe.